Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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