hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
