Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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