dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
