it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
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I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
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We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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