I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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