alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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