I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
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I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
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She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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