Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
