I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
