TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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