At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
