worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
