alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
