I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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