9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
