In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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