I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
