Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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