My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
