I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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