you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
