omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
