My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
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Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
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I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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