I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
