To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
