I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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