When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
