She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
