So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
