My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
