my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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