Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
