Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
