gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
