At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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