After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'd cum for enchiladas.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
