When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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