I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
