Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
