things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
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