Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
