I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
