Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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