i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
