She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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