the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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