Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Do vagina's smell?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
