Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
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You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
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Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
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