I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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