I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
