Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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