forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
