I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
