i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
