Kiss
Puke
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
