i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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