good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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