if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
